


turn the darkness to light

by capmackie



Series: sambucky week ‘19 [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Getting Together, M/M, Sambucky Week ‘19, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 12:22:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21161600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capmackie/pseuds/capmackie
Summary: But deep down, Bucky knows that isn’t the only reason he wants to keep his relationship tucked away, deep deep deep in his chest, far from inquiring minds and prying hands.written for day iii of sambucky week 19 — secret





	turn the darkness to light

In the middle of the night, slipping past gods, witches and a man who wears brilliance and anger in equal measures is a daunting task. One wrong move and Bucky could awaken one of them — all of them — and then the entire secret is blown.

But Bucky’s done this before; the trip to the opposite end of the expansive building’s a familiar dance — one step, two, twist to the right — and even in the dead of night, Bucky knows exactly how to reach Sam’s room without causing a disturbance.

Decades of operating in the shadows, years and years of residing in the darkness of his own mind has prepared the soldier for this — he’s at home in the dark, takes shelter in the finite nothingness.

Maybe it’s that familiarity that makes him wants to keep this _thing _he has with Sam a secret. It’s an easy task, they’ve been fooling around and hiding it for so long — falling into such an effortless banter with each other that it was no surprise when they fell into bed together too.

In the beginning, when it was “blowing off steam”, it was easy to justify why keeping the others in the dark made sense. If even he and Sam couldn’t quite quantify what they were, the rest of the team sure as hell wouldn’t be able to figure it out either.

(And if the very idea that even one of them could be just as skeptical as Bucky himself — that someone like Sam, an open book, a vessel for the sun _itself _to shine through, loving someone like Bucky, a man who’s spent literal lifetimes shrouded in the darkness —)

Bucky take a deep breath, centering himself before the self-depreciation goes any further.

_Still, _it’s bad enough he has to constantly convince himself he’s worthy of the love Sam wants to offer, it might actually kill him to try to convince someone else he’s deserving of it too.

But deep down, Bucky knows that isn’t the only reason he wants to keep his _relationship _tucked away, deep deep deep in his chest, far from inquiring minds and prying hands.

No, it’s something about the soft glances that Sam throws him when no one else is paying attention or the inside jokes they share, or just how positively _giddy_ he gets at the idea that this is something that is just between _them_, untainted by the preconceived notions of others. It’s something about the possibility of taking a new step, together at that, creating their own destiny that makes Bucky feel more alive than he has in years.

_”It’s okay to be a little selfish Buck”, Sam had murmured into his ear once, peppering kisses into the mottled skin of his shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting, nothing wrong with wanting something for your self.”_

_“It’s human nature.”_

It’s human nature and it’s a step in the right direction and it’s Bucky first foray into true autonomy after so so long of being at the complete and total will of others and …

Fuck that.

Bucky wants to love Sam _loudly. _

He wants the soft, shared glances and he wants the inside jokes and he wants the new experience of loving someone wholly and he wants the love that he feels for Sam, that threatens to burst out of the seams sometimes — yeah he wants that to be _known_.

He wants to bask in the light of Sam Wilson unashamedly; wants to kiss him in public, in private and he can’t remember in any of his lifetimes where he’s allowed himself to want something, especially as much as he _wants _now.

There’s a voice in the back of his head, Sam’s voice, reminding him it’s okay to be selfish and Bucky clings to that, forces himself to believe it.

His first act of selfishness in over seventy years is to allow himself to be loved.

To run into and not away from the arms of the man laying in the room before him, a path he’s knows by heart.

Because even in total darkness, Sam has always been a beacon of light guiding Bucky right where he needs to be.

And if the others find out, well that’s okay too. Bucky’s spent too long in the darkness, being someone’s secret, he deserves a chance at sunshine.

**Author's Note:**

> angst might just be my middle name.
> 
> see this story and more of my submissions for sbweek19 @ capmackie 💗
> 
> (or come and yell at me to lighten up)


End file.
